I have questions I need answered…

What are your opinions on what Israel is doing to Lebanon? What should Christians think about it? Do we support Israel’s military action there?
If you are reading this and don’t have an opinion or if you haven’t heard anything about this.. I hope you read up on this issue.

I usually don’t use this forum to speak my mind on philosophy, theology, or any sort of serious subject matter, but as of yesterday, I feel like I want to.

“Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

Matthew 16:24-28

These verses are why Christianity is so preposterous to me. Everything about Jesus’s words makes me cringe. Why? Because these verses command me to deny myself before I pick up my cross. I am far too used to forgetting the self-denial part and I try to pick up my cross anyways. Jesus commands us to do exactly what we as humans do not want to do: deny ourselves completely and entirely. From birth we are self-seeking creatures and we are taught to make our will known so that others may oblige. St. Augustine, one of the first to acknowledge our “original sin” says, “the feebleness of infant limbs is innocent, not the infant’s mind” (Confessions 9). We are innately selfish from birth. We’re taught to stand up for ourselves, fight for our rights, seek retribution for other’s wrongdoing, and forge our own path. Perhaps because selfishness is so innate within us, it is the hardest to recognize and then subsequently purge for sanctification.

The fact that Jesus says to deny this innate desire makes Christianity so preposterous to me. Christianity is preposterous not because I think what Jesus is saying is a bunch of malarky, but because it is so revolutionary and counterintuitive. Ponder this: If you were Jesus and you wanted everyone to listen to you and follow you, would you tell a bunch of selfish people to deny themselves? Of course not! If the Apostle Paul was interested in creating his own religion as George Bernard Shaw and Nietzsche have suggested, why would he continue to preach self-denial and submission to one another (Romans 6, Ephesians 5:21) when everything within us does not want to obey to those kind of extreme commands? Why is Joel Osteen so wildly successful? He preaches prosperity messages that make our selfish hearts feel better by avoiding the word “sin”. He plays into the human condition and uses it to his gain rather than preaching the countercultural message that Jesus preached in Matthew 16. I could talk forever about Joel Osteen, but he’s another rant for another day. The point is, a denial of self is so otherworldy. We have never known such a thing. For Jesus to make this a prerequisite to follow him.. well, that’s preposterous.

I have seen the selfish nature of humans at its worst in the hospital where I work. When people have been stripped of their independence and their health, they go ballistic and as as their lowly PCT, I get to feel their wrath. Suddenly I’m their concierge at their hotel and if I don’t do things quick enough for them or as precisely as they ordered it, they freak out at me and demand better. I get upset, but I can’t get too fixated on it because it IS my job to serve them after all. I am bringing up my job not to complain, but because it is where I have been able to do my research for this post. Sadly, some of the worst patients I have taken care of are the ones with a bible on their bedside table. Why is that? Shouldn’t I be relieved and comforted that a fellow Christian is under my care? Shouldn’t I expect something better than the last person that was in the bed before them? Ideally my answer should be yes, but so often this isn’t the case. And what about the patient that I am sassy to that sees my Jesus ring on my thumb and thinks the same thing about my selfishness and my lack of servanthood? It’s a nasty epidemic and its plaguing the church. I am infected. You are infected. We’re all carrying this disease of selfishness.

Jesus says “deny yourself”… but how do we do it? How can I have a job and earn money, but deny myself? How can I eat, drink, sleep and satisfy all my essential needs on a daily basis, but deny myself? Certainly I cannot deny myself entirely.. I’d probably die. So what does it mean? How do I escape from this nasty epidemic? How can I live my life truly centered on God? It seems impossible. Why I fail so horribly at being a follower of Christ is because of my selfishness. Why I struggle with a doing a daily devotion or loving my neighbor as myself is because I am too dang selfish. It seems that I am the only person in the way of having an enriching and rewarding relationship with Christ. I am getting almost unbearable to deal with. I choose time and time again to satisfy myself, to focus on myself, to think selfish and self-centered thoughts, and to seek out friendships and relationships that will help me get more of what I want. I focus myself and my relationship with God on the easy stuff but I have yet to touch the hardest thing to requite to the Lord: my “self”. Certainly I have given Him myself, but my “self”, my posession of my personhood, lies within my hands. There is a difference.

it makes me feel dirty inside.

There is only one month left of summer. I cannot believe how quickly these weeks have passed!

My visit to Minnesota was wonderful. It was so good to catch up with good pals and spend some time in the cities I have grown to love. I am not ready to move back there though. I will definitely be ready a month from now, but until then I have a lot of living to do here. When the busy-ness of next semester sets in I am sure I will be missing my laid back summer lifestyle. I am exceedingly excited for my new job as an RA. I can’t wait to get things started and finally meet the girls I have been praying for since I started the RA application process in February.

My camera is back and I christened its arrival by photodocumenting my new case of pink eye. I am looking forward to documenting this last month. The last time I took a picture with my camera was the first week of summer in Wisconsin.

So here’s to living life to the fullest and enjoying where God has me.

..This month will be good..

I’ll be in Minnesota on Tuesday. See you then.